and it was over

3:28PM

I dont enjoy reading what I wrote before. Its almost like im embarassed of how loving I sound when talking about you. Maybe its because im so silent now, that all that verbosity unnerves me. I just dont like it. I think about Matt alot. Just random little things and its always refreshing to look and see your face instead.

I dont know. I just want you to love me. I keep having this sneaking suspicion that you want more, that you've found someone who is piquing your interest. I dont know. Maybe Im insane, but rarely am I wrong. Just wanted to let you know that I love you, a more mature version but no less adamant. i cant even spell anymore.

i just keep waiting for something. maybe saturday night will cement some things for me. maybe it will do nothing. im opting for the former. i love you, i honestly do. i can understand next year if we go our separate ways. 50 units as opposed to 30? theres alot of difference in time.

i just see you leaving me.

this is why i dont write.

Current mood: blank

3:13PM - mixed

I have a puppy as of yesterday. His name is Bud and he is a cross between a labrador, bull mastif and some other kind of dog. SUpposedly he will be as big as Ella, which is hard to believe. He is completely black and seems to be quite a sook. Nick and I originally wanted to call him Pig, but since my parents are looking after him, we didn't have the right to name him such. I had told Dad that I wasn't allowed to get a puppy, but everyone knows that he wanted me to have one. When we went to go see my family yesterday afternoon he was just sitting there petting Bud. I really adore the dog. I hope that when we move to our next house, I can actually have him full time and not just on lay by. But the lady had rung me, the day before only and dad said that when he went to the feed store, they physically pushed the puppy into his arms. 

Tyson Norris died this morning.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. Disbelief, shock is the main emotion. Sally sounded the same way when she told me what happened. He was riding a motorbike and a car pulled out in front of him. He was trapped under the car and later taken to the hospital. They took him off life support at 8am. It's unimaginable. I just don't know how to react.

his myspace is still active. its like he's still there. and i don't know what to do. i just assumed that my grade was invincible. that we would live till we were old and grey. it made sense. 

nick doesn't understand. highschool feels like it was just a turn back . just one step back. and id be there. again. its like everyone fell apart when hs ended. and nothing has made sense since. not steph, not me, not anything.

bud's bday is the same as nic's. 

8:40PM

 Dear Atlas,

Tomorrow is the start of everything. You go to sign the lease and we start to move into the next stage of well everything. And I'm there. With you. I'm nervous. I'm anxious about jobs but I'm also excited and happy. You have been my rock in all of the ensuing chaos. Helping me deal with everything and putting things into perspective. I need you. I'm sorry about the car ride home. I just needed to vent and unfortunately I did it in an awful way but when you held me in your room and told me everything was going to be fine. I listened. Because I believe you, trust you and need you. I need you alot. 

I'm okay with the no working as a phone sex operator, no stripping. I don't see you act possessive very often, so it was surprising to have a definite no. I loved how your eyes lit up last night as I took off my clothes and you saw the matching bra and g. No one else makes me feel so utterly gorgeous. I feel sexy bending and strutting around for you. I feel like a wanted loved woman. And its wonderful and nice.

"And that' a really big fucking if."

"I really love you baby."

ILL WRITE MORE LATER 

I LOVE YOU
YOURE THE ONE

9:22PM

 

I want you to want me as much as I want you.

I believe that you do. With all this other stuff, we tend to let loose our feelings on each other but even when sitting on your mother's couch, you on the floor and me crying, even then I knew that it could be over in a second. THat nothing, for all my bullshit and self pity is really wrong. You see me as Laura. Without the history. And I guess I see myself with the history because it shapes me.

"I UNDERSTAND YOU. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY."

When you said that all you could think during that movie was that you wanted to wake up with me, my heart burst. and I know that sounds weird. But that's how I feel about you. Like I'm about to burst. There's all this wild, cascading emotion that drowns me and all I know is that I love you and I want you.

im going to call at 9 30. 

I want to give you everything. I want you to know that I'm yours. And I want you to grab me sometimes and just hold me tight. You do it, I'm always hungry for more. I do need to get out more, to find girls, but I do get self concious. And I don't know where to look, or how to find, or any of it. 

THat PS I LOVE YOU movie was beautiful. I adored it. When I looked at Gerard Butler I kept seeing you. Because that's how you are in my mind. THat's how you act. You're the charming, not embarassed to sing man who makes me laugh when I don't want to and loves me when I can find no real reason to. You are my rock. You sent me a text saying that I'm yours. 

Even if I feel like I don't fit at things, we fit. I fit into you. My body flows into yours. My heart is yours. I give myself to you and sometimes I yearn to hear you acknowledge that. A thrill runs through me when you do.

i have more to write. not having an internet for so long has made me sad.

love me

5:52PM

I just read the name Mirrah and its actually quite beautiful. Or at least I think so. My internet was being all screwy just a minute ago so I'm pleased that its all fixed. 

I hope you don't take it badly that I just started to leave whilst you were still serving a customer at work. I just felt gross looking the way that I did (past tense cause I had a shower) and idk. I didn't really belong there. 

There's alot of places I don't belong. But somehow I manage to stand the awkwardness of it for the most part. Last night at Steve's was quite nice. Steve never says much himself though. I don't know what to make of him. whether he's just that gentle guy that sits listening quietly. idk.

I guess more than anything I'm stressed. And the thing this morning with the cleaning didn't help. I can't help feeling like I'm invading your house and using it as a 'hotel'. And I'm sorry about that, if you or family think that I am. THank you for letting me help with housework. I get most of my sleeping done after my initial waking up period. And I'm sorry if I was overly clingy with the "come back to bed" thing. I didn't even really think about any of it till you mentioned it in the car, and apologised if you had insulted me. 

It hurt when you said that my Duck jokes are awful. I feel like I shouldn't talk at all. I couldn't even brush it off when you asked whether you had hurt my feelings like I normally can. And I know that I told myself and you that I wouldn't do them anymore. And I shouldn't of tried.

I'm going to start bringing my own ketchup to places where we eat. In little bottles. I felt like I embarassed you when I asked where it was. You heaved this great sigh and steadied yourself to ask Steve like I was a great liability. And that hurt. I know I eat it with everything but that's the WAY I LIKE IT. 

I already told you all of this. I don't know why I'm bringing it back up. Probably because I can mull over this and not acknowledge what is actually stressing me out.

I'm worried about the whole ring thing. that they'll buy it, that I'll get enough money, that everything will go okay.

i don't know what to get my parents or yours. im thinking a voucher to Suzanne for your mom. i kept seeing that label all through the clothes.

and work. the other job which is LOOMING.

i feel kind of pathetic for not getting one right this minute.

I would love for you to buy me a bag. I'd carry it with me everywhere. But the money could be saved and then spent on things you need. I think after the chat about money, I realised how frivolous the things I want actually are. We'll be going back to uni soon, I might to ask for textbooks for my birthday. 

I don't place much emphasis on physical things but really the thought behind them. THat you would want to get me a bag is what matters. Whether you do or not is not important. The fact that you thought to do that makes me feel happy. THe same with the matchbox tickets. And this probably doesn't make any sense to you. But it does in my head

I love you. I love laying beside you and just closing my eyes, knowing that I can just relax and be safe and be loved. That's how I feel when I'm in your bed. I don't think I can freeze towards you. 

love me

2:31PM

 I just watched that video of you again. God you are gorgeous. I also sent Sophie an email finally. I think I'm going to fight for her. I don't know why that sounds so romantic cause its not. IDK. I love you. 

things that are niggling at the back of my brain:

you worrying that I'll become depressed again.

the girls thing. my violent reaction

i honestly believe that you could hurt me emotionally and I might withdraw but my feelings towards you would still be exactly the same. It was wonderful to wake up next to you this morning. I love sleeping in whilst you take a shower cause honestly IM NOT A MORNING PERSON and sunlight before ten freaks out my inner vampire. And yes I have an inner vampire. Didn't you notice my teeth are way unnaturally sharp?


WAHAHAHAHA.

Im also insane... 




at the moment.



I sent soph a photo of you. An actual pretty one which shows your face rather than the bogan mobile. im quite nervous about what you think of that mix CD. I sounded grumpy on the phone because I wanted you to try on the shirts. 


do you think the truth sets people free. or traps them in the footprints of their deception?

hmmmm


you called me a goddess as I went down on you last night. I just have to SQUEE about that for a minute.

I feel like you going down on me is your way of saying 'i love you'. because that's how I feel when you do it. Happy six months. 


love

6:18PM

 You are so naked in front of me. You've truly given me everything and would give me more if I asked for it. 

thank you

thank you from every single cell that still functions inside of my body.

I read over what I wrote before and had to shake my head at myself. I can't hide things from you. i just cant. I feel all self righteous or anxious. and i have to tell you everything. there's no half point where I say "that too much information". It's all just verbal vomit.

You understand me like no one else. You get all of me in one single snap shot and you know what I'm saying without hearing the words. Last night was actually quite fun. I'm sorry that I was so horrible the last time we were at Townsies. Jeff still thinks my name is Lauren. I didn't bother correcting him. Duck was very high spirited. It was interesting to hear Sarge say that we would all argue but I think that's as far as it will go. We had a small discussion (I think it was more you trying to be nice and me not wanting the special treatment plus your family) this morning and it went fine. I wanted you so badly on the couch. The way you kiss me.

sighs and promptly falls off the chair.

I love you.

I'm so glad that you don't want to share me. I know that it may have seemed like I resented you not wanting me to strip or do phone sex, but really it means something that you want me to be just yours. That you want something of that nature to be intimate solely between us. The money is not worth it. it's not worth sacrificing the personal nature of us. 

I still can't believe that we are together sometimes. When I fall asleep with you its heaven. I love being like that with you. I love being so close to you. I love being sleepy at night and you getting there and going down on me, kissing me so sweetly and slipping in from behind and gently making love to me. I love that I can lay there and be cuddled by you or wrap my arms around you and nuzzle your neck and back as you sleep on your side. Work was shitty yesterday. I was terribly sleepy. But it was nice to go out and just talk to your friends. I missed seeing Duck to be honest with you. 

I want to take hundreds of photos of you. Your face has so many wonderful expressions and I need to capture them. You're gorgeous. You're wonderful. I love being yours.

You said this morning that being in the shower together is one of the most intimate things that we can do together. I can feel it when I open my eyes after washing out shampoo and your eyes are just soft and you're just gazing at me. It's the way I look at you when we watch a movie. Or when I lay in your lap. I like to think it's you looking at me with love. It's still so surprising.

I can't wait for Wednesday. I hope you will like what I got you. and its not big but its nice.and yeah.

you know how I am.

Meema is going to give me an emo fringe, hope it goes well
I love you so much.

You are the most beautiful amazing man. I just need to stop being so crazy. I think I am because of how much feeling I have related to you. I'm bursting.

LOVE LOVE LOVE
me

7:13PM

 blogging is not something that I've ever really enjoyed. it requires you to hear your own voice prattling in your head, which it is doing right now. but im drowning that out with matchbox 20 "all your reasons".

we both know that you are madly heart pounding in love with him. And by 'we' I mean me. because of course this is addressed to myself. time for some self inspection. i know you're feeling better after enrolling in comm. so you should. you should be good at it even if it doesn't lead to a career. 

i want you to feel so utterly irresistable and go out with a bunch of girls. no boys. and just be wild. get drunk even though it scares you and just throw yourself out there. you had this overwhelming desire to cut your hair a moment ago. im still debating it. maybe you should. and then dye it. bright yellow. the colour of a canary. become tanya. become cliche. become all of them. and see whether that feels better than being so fucking aware of everything. seriously sometimes you need to "chill". And I can't believe i used that word.

Of course there's going to be double standards.

And of course there are going to be times when you feel like abuse is all you deserve. and in your own unique way crave it so you can sink. because and we both know this, the stress starts making the edges of you fray terribly. and depression numbness seems easier. 

but in depression you can't see how sweetly things are coming together. in depression you can't be yourself. you have to hide.

and hiding just sucks.

you need to write out what happened. in some type of format. that artist tried to do it through signs. about what rape is like for women. and you scoffed at it and said how patronising it was for artists to take such a personal issue and try to visualise it as though they know something.

artistic licence.

but yours would have some truth to it.

all you wanted to do was run away this morning. as soon as he said that "it makes it more fun" your heart fell and I know you wanted to run.

resist.

running doesn't solve anything. because you can't hide.

and he won't stand for that shit. not with all the other opportunities.

there's alot of rage in you. and the interesting or most interesting quote we ever read was that "Self harm is rage turned inward."

he doesn't completely understand you. and he can't without having gone through alot of your experiences and feelings himself. and that's not his fault.

he's a man. he's not going to understand your fears. your uniquely girlish childish fears.

or that pain.

and you can't understand all of him. that's why people are different. you don't understand alot of things and you need to stop trying.

just relax and stop crying and stop trying.

because you're flailing and failing.

and its ugly.

6:58PM

Dear me,

grow a fucking backbone.

you should be over everything. and having a fucking nightmare whilst he's right there? YOU IDIOT. 

stop thinking completely if that's all that haunts you. just. stop. thinking.

and get another job.

You're so lazy.

and stop stressing out about girls. so what if you feel like crying about it. conor promised to help beat people up. and if it comes to worse feelings you know what you can do.

that or find a bath.

but really stop stressing. the ulcers are gross and not very nice feeling.

go read poetry or something. stop listening to crappy love songs.

sometimes you just need to pretend that you're better than it all and that you're safe and secure even when you're sure as fuck that you aren't.

don't let anyone in on that.

just hide it. or at least run away as quickly as fucking possible.

you are just as good. slightly neurotic which conor finds 'endearing'.

i dont know what else to say.

money is important.

your sanity is less.

PRETENDING IS FUN.

stop trying to sabotage yourself.

signed neurotic bitch.

8:25PM

Im pretty lonely right now and more than anything it just makes me feel sad. Very sad. And fall out boy is really not helping. the only thing i can think to do is go to bed where I won't sleep or write dirty messed up fucked to the core threesome of B/S/Aus. And I dont know.

why couldn't i come?

dont answer that. i shouldn't even be asking it because you told me. damn me. damn me for being like this and for thinking. cause thinking is so BAD.

i keep writing it out in my head. write how the protagonist would feel and then I realise what I'm identifying with.

im going to leave my music on tonight.

i love you. i love you.

i just need to stop thinking.

8:31PM

 Dear Atlas,

I'm pretty much considering driving over to your house tonight and again spending the night. Hope you are okay with it. Sometimes I get nervous, thinking that I'm overstepping my boundaries or forcing myself upon you. I don't know. I'm going shopping with Conor tomorrow. Hopefully I can make girlfriends at work and that'll give you a break. If you need one and I'm agonising over nothing. It was interesting to see Duck enthuse with me over how much he hates Tanya. I can't be around her. She brings all these negative feelings out of me. I just can't handle her. And I'm sorry for acting like that at Townsie's house. Realistically, maybe I should've let you enjoy your night and drive back home and fall into bed. Instead I moped, thought about everything else that is twisted and wrong and then tried to shoulder you away when you asked what was wrong.

I'm learning that love isn't meant to hurt or be painful. It's difficult. And I'm not quite sure whether you're real when you hold me and kiss me and tell me how you feel. 

"I want you. Do you want me?"

I'm starting to understand that you value my body in ways that I've lost the ability to. I have to relearn that it physically is worth something and shouldn't just be sold off. I'm sorry that I get so surprised by your outrage and just general hurt feelings. I just. It amazes me that you want me. It amazes me that you could see beauty in me at all. I didn't mean it negative when I described you not wanting me to disengage from sex. I didn't think it was weak. I thought it was strong. I thought it was real. It jarred me. Shook me back and awoke me in a way to what exactly we are. I guess that's part of the reason why you hate him - because he made me feel like that. Because I was programmed into that way of action. 

And it apalls you in a general way. 

And it outrages you when you find hints of it in me.

I want you to want me. I want you to love me in a burning, all consuming way that can't be rivalled. I want you to feel complete and safe and pure when around and in me. 

I hope that some of it actually comes to fruition. 

"Do you want me to treat you like a peice of meat?"

No. Don't ever do that unless you no longer care for me beyond a fuck buddy. It's the death knell. The sounding realisation that I'm worth nothing more than a blow up doll to you. 

But that's not going to happen. Unless I shut you out. 

I'll do my absolute best not to.

I love you.



Dear Conor,

QUIT HUNGRY JACKS! and have fun with me tomorrow.

let's meet more girls or at least more people. I need to get you out of the house more often.!!!

love you lots

LAURA/WILL



Dear everybody,

I don't care what you think anymore. Halelujah!

suck on your bias,
me




Dear Duck,

Cheer up and find a woman. I know that you don't want to be a wheel so try becomming a very big square and by that I mean a tank

3:43PM - i am a dick sucker who shouldnt be using my brothers computer.

hi i am laura and i ama dick head. i have been using my brothers computer after nurmerous times he has told me he didnt want mee to use it. i would like him to forgive me for being such an ass../

8:25PM - I couldn't stop laughing

As if sensing that I needed validation for my post where I claim Ryan Phillippe’s son would rather be the offspring of a pizza delivery driver, Us Weekly brings us news that Ryan bawled and cried like a little girl after his divorce from Reese Witherspoon:

“I was a physical wreck. I wanted to die…. I was ready to kill myself. I was not taking care of myself at all. I would wake up and cry and vomit.”

However, the experience has made Ryan Phillippe a better actor. He can now cry on cue:

“Now, it’s fucking easy," he says. "When I was younger, I didn’t have enough to cry about. But since I’ve had kids, I feel my work has become better, because my life is fuller and more complicated, and I’ve experienced so many highs and lows.”

Alright, let's talk about crying. If a man’s seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time and tears fill his eyes; not very cool. Perhaps he’d cry less if it were a dude. If he's been shot in the stomach and probably going to die, it’s marginally acceptable to cry but frowned upon. There’s really only one acceptable time for a grown man to cry, and that's when one of those Ewoks dies in Return of the Jedi. I mean, not that I do or anything. So what if they’re just cute, innocent little teddy bears that live in trees and want to blow stuff up. That doesn’t get to me. *sniff* No, man, I’m a castle of manliness. *sniff* Excuse me, I’m going to curl up in the fetal position for a little while and, uh, think about how much I love girls and steaks. And fixing tanks with my shirt off. Yeah, all that stuff I just said.

10:33PM

 http://slashpervert.livejournal.com/128533.html

3:40PM - winter just wasn't my season

 I've been sitting here thinking for a while. I'm still wearing my jeans from earlier but I've already put on my hungry jacks shirt. I don't see the point in not wearing it to be honest with you. it helps writing to you, because on this medium i can be blunt and forceful and i dont second guess everything because there's miles and miles of screen to explain myself in. there's only a limited amount of time before someone shuts off and closes their mind to you. and im scared of that. im scared of saying the wrong thing. and i dont have any reason to be scared. there's nothing to be scared about. just me being afraid because im not used to being told that im cared about and then being held. not abused.

i still dont believe that you're real.

you push me. you refuse to let me hide inside of myself. and i need that. i need you to ask waht's wrong and then dig it out. its what ive always done. its a defense mechanism. its what makes me feel safe. plus its the main way that i would hurt myself. id go over and over mistakes or assumptions until i believed them utterly and let them grow into some monstrosity. it was a knife that i could harm others with at the same time as plunging it deep within myself.

Does he know your favourite movies, your favourite foods?

im not perfect, im not perfectly sure of myself and sometimes rarely i am filled with this self doubt about how anyone like you could possibly want me. 

im going to work on the jealousy thing. im going to be alot better about that - you'll see.

thank you for reassuring me. thank you for holding me and loving me. thank you for understanding my silly insecurities.

i should be going to work soon. i love you. i hope your exam goes well despite not studying for it... itll be nice to go dancing with you on saturday night. be wild and just flirt with you.

you are so incredibly gorgeous.

ttyl 
me

7:19PM - we accept the love we think we deserve

• 
  
  You read me today, this journal, my soul, my thoughts.
  
  I wonder what you truly think of it all. You looked at me and drew it all back to him. And when I asked if you noted anything else out of it you replied: you really love me.
  
  Is that scary?
  
  Should I advertise it a little less? Because I really can't. I don't want to. It's how I feel.
  
  When I think about everything I feel so full and warm, like the sun has been condensed into a small ball and its deposited in the very center of me. You make me like that. I feel awful at the idea that you would want to be like that with other people but I've learned to relinquish control. I... It's all I can do being like this with you. I can't cut myself off from you at the possibility of it. And I don't know. I'm glad that you think I'm worth something. That I mean something to you. And I know that that's an understatement. It's just still hard to believe. I guess  I know that I can be all possessively. And I'm so proud to call you mine and just rest against you in the hub as you read everything that is me. There's a slight edge of retribution to my thoughts. And I'm so fucking sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm surprised that you punching didn't scare me. Brute force would always frighten me even before everything. But I don't know. I can't see you like that. I just... It doesn't enter into my mind to consider you able to do violence. Or hurt me. You can't hurt me. There's no question of will involved in it. I just need to recognise some things inside of myself right now. 
  
  
• It's okay to be blunt and say things in front of you. I hesitated today when you asked me what I think about the whole infidelity thing. And when I bare my emotions, I tend to look out of the window. I did it today. It takes me time to work up the nerve to be gushy and soft and talkative with you. I don't know why I'm afraid of rejection. I shouldn't be. You've given me no reason to be. I just... I don't want to pressure you. I don't ever want to be holding you back.
  
• I need to trust you with my heart. I need to stop having these moments of worry and just self doubt
  
• the title of this is actually quite true.
  
• I feel so alien and foreign in this household. i dont belong
  
• open your eyes by Snow Patrol is a religious experience
  
• You and me in the backseat this afternoon was wonderful. Your hands touching and delving deep inside of me. Me, kissing and licking and sucking until you came twice. YES
  
  *DANCES AROUND MADLY*
  
  ( a love letter from unsentletters )
• This man wrote beautifully:
  
  Okay, screw this. I am tired of being the nice guy, I am tired of "I only want what you want", and I am tired of doing absolutely nothing while you slip away from me.
  
  My philosophy was always that I had to let you decide for yourself how you felt about our relationship, and that if I tried too hard to win you back then the result wouldn't reflect how you actually felt. But it's funny, because a realization occurred to me tonight: if I want something, I have to go and get it. And do you know what? I want you.
  
  When we were first apart, I didn't think logically. I lied to my dad and took a Greyhound bus, riding for fourteen godawful hours to get to Santa Barbara to visit you. Of all of the things in my life, I will never forget the joy that I felt when that bus pulled into the station. I looked out the window...and you were standing there, illuminated by the harsh yellow lights of the Greyhound station, alone, with your hands buried in the pockets of your black hooded jacket. The look on your face. The tinting of the bus windows. The whole scene…I can still see it perfectly when I close my eyes.
  
  You came through on your promise, too, and gave me the biggest hug that I had ever received. We were together for almost two years, and the hug that you gave me that night was the best.
  
  We slept in the same bed that night. I wasn't expecting that, since we were supposed to be broken up, so the way that I felt while laying there next to you was, without a shadow of a doubt, the happiest that I have ever been in my life. That was one of the only times that we had been able to fall asleep together, as well. Before, we had always had to worry about parents, but now we were away from home and could be together. My heart wanted to explode, because after everything that we had been through, I finally knew that our love could find its way through the distance between us.
  
  What happened to that? When did I stop listening to myself? I don't know. All I know is that somewhere, somehow, I decided that I needed to leave you alone so that you could figure out for yourself what you wanted. Maybe it was that night before I left...I saw you on the knife's edge, uncertain, and I said to myself that if I you were to be truly mine, you had to come of your own free will.
  
  Do you know what happened in that crucial moment? What happened was that I officially started making excuses for my own fear that I would try to get you back and fail. That you, the girl that I loved more than anything in the world, would reject me. I gave up on us before I even started to save myself more pain, and instead decided to hide behind logical bullshit. I have dealt with this whole damn situation logically, terrified that I might misstep and ruin everything, and do you know what that has gotten me? Four hundred and fifty three days of loneliness. Four hundred and fifty three days of thinking about you. Four hundred and fifty three days of knowing that I can no longer be with you, that my ideas of us being together forever (yes, I actually did think that) were wrong. For the first time since I made the decision to be rational with our situation, I realize that reason doesn't mean anything in regards to love. Was talking with you on the phone for eight hours that night four years ago a rational decision? Was putting my hand on yours' when we were on that ferris wheel a rational decision? Was a single kiss that I gave you in the history of our relationship a rational decision?
  
  No. Logic and reason have prevented me from doing what I needed to do for far too long. They are why I can flip through my journal and locate so many letters to you that I wrote and never sent. The first, one from August 6, 2006, five days after you left, is particularly painful to read, because I know that if I had gotten the courage to send it, things would have worked out differently.
  
  Well, I have the courage now. It’s funny…when you have nothing to lose, fear tends to fall away. You are too beautiful for me to allow something that petty to destroy what we had. What we have. Because you cannot tell me that it's not there, somewhere in you. You cannot tell me that your feelings for me are gone, because I won't believe you. Our relationship was something special, no matter what anyone says.
  
  Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I have finally snapped under all of the pain, and this whole letter is just me coping. It's funny, though, because for the first time in over a year, I feel...whole. Regret has been gnawing away at me for far too long because I knew that I didn't try to get you back, and I couldn’t live with myself for it. Whenever I think about us, I wonder who we would be if we had stayed together, and it kills me that I can’t visualize it, much less open my eyes and experience it. 
  
  So there you go. The time that I have spent in the past couple of months barely talking with you has allowed me to get my head on straight, and I know now what I have to do. If it’s really over, and you really don’t love me anymore, then tell me. I will understand, too, because one of the things that I have avoided like the plague for so long has been the idea of me as the clinging and desperate ex-boyfriend. But that is not who I am…because the key difference is that I’m not doing this because I need you.
  
  I’m doing this because I love you. And you know what? I'm actually going to send this.
  
  Always,
  Brendan

I love you Nicholas. You're the man I want.

Tomorrow its Halloween.

I'm working tomorrow from 5:30 to 8:30pm.

and Monday 5 to 8.

7:48PM

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4:18PM

Dear Conor,

*dances madly* I GOT THE JOB! THEY DIDN'T JUST IGNORE ME! 

maybe Scott wishes that he had done so now. But yes!!! 

I'm so happy that I get to work with you and hopefully I can manage everything and just be GOOD!

You are my best female friend. I love you,

See you tomorrow when I dash madly into legal system and meth an hour late!


Dear Poodlehead,

Nice to know that I've dropped the earth or is it just that you can't be bothered calling anyone anymore? You don't have that many friends to begin with. All the girls you are somewhat close to, you try to fall in love with though I doubt it truly is anything close to meaningful love. Despite my anger at you right now, I really hope that you are okay. I miss the old you, the confident, directed and purposeful boy. Go back to that. Or at least call me and start living. This whole Sydney trip is just a disaster in the making.

With platonic love,
Will


Dear Duck,

I'm sorry but I probably won't be ready to hand in the form tomorrow. I don't have my finances good enough yet to be seen as working. Give it a week. Please? I'm sorry. Thank you for being okay with the idea of living with me. I promise to do my best not to third wheel you with Atlas. You're starting to feel like a big brother. 

smiling happily, 
someone you tolerate.



Dear beautiful amazing Atlas,

I want to see you tonight even though I saw you this morning until 4 am. Seriously its good that we like spending so much time together because when we move in with each other my face is going to start being a lot more constant. I hope work is going well. I love you. It amazes me some times how much thoughts of you lift me up. I feel like a cloud and normally I would be checking my drink but right now I have to say its a good thing. 

so glad i met you. 

You're my best friend too.

Love,
the sneaky girl

8:56PM

this  was painful to read. 

Dear Boy I Have Not Yet Met,

Please find me.
Please come take me away from my stagnant life.

Please take me away from my perfect boyfriend.
Please take me away from my happy relationship.



Because deep down, it's not happy.
Because deep down, I'm not happy.
Because deep down, I want to love you.
Because deep down, I want to love the boy I have not yet met.

The thing is, I think I'm still in love with a boy I met too long ago.
But truthfully, I'm not really.
I'm in love with the memories.

And being in love with memory doesn't get anyone anywhere.



I need someone who is imperfect.
I need someone who has a distinctive laugh.
I need someone who has three little pink dots above his upper lip.
I need someone who has gray eyes.
I need someone who has dishwater blonde hair.
I need someone who has more charsima that I can imagine.
I need someone who has glasses.
I need someone who is him.
I need someone who is him without being him.
I need someone who is him without being mean.
Without being a cheater.
Without being absent.
Without being him.

I need you.
I need you.
I need you.

I need you to be everything I need and everything I want with no strings attatched.
Because I need to be able to love you intensely.
But I need you to love me more.
So I can be in control.







Because if I'm in control, then you won't be him.
And then maybe I won't love anyone anymore.





Maybe.
♥
The Girl You Have Not Yet Met. 





thank you for being everything and more. For loving me the way that I want and need to be loved. Thank you for coming into uni after working all morning. You were beautiful in those dirty clothes, sweat and your hands dark. I loved the way you looked. Images were constantly bombarding my mind of how I would jump into a shower with you and slowly wash you clean and then cook something and just curl up with you on a couch. My dearest beloved. My beautiful amazing man. I don't deserve you.

9:03PM

 I can be possessive sometimes. And I try to curb it. I try to be laid back and soft. I wish I had gone last night and danced with you, grinding and dipping low... Thank you for wanting to be with me, only me. I love our relationship. I can see why other girls go for you. It's part of why I went for you. Thank you for not dancing with them... I hope I wasn't too demanding in my questions or anything like that. You said that yourself that I could dance with other boys as long as they don't touch me. I don't even let them get anywhere close enough. I might go have a girls night with Conor in town now that she lives in Adamstown. 

I love you.

I still have to work on some things though. Like the possessiveness. It's interesting that your sister sees you as being protective of me. I like the way you act around and to me. It was heavenly lying there with you, watching sex and the city and just relaxing. I love being like that with you. I loved spending time with you today.